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| I was sitting in class tonight, looking over the shoulder of the guy who was sitting in front of me. He was continuously looking back and forth between different blogs. I kept wondering to myself why I never blog anymore. I used to blog ALL the time. Maybe I just lost the will? Maybe I didn't have anything to say?
Well, now I have something to say. I have lots of things to say. Maybe I won't say all of them tonight, but maybe I will.
The first thing that I have to say is that I think I might die tonight. My head is pounding and I'm pretty sure my room is toxic.
The second thing I want to say is that out of all of my friends, I can't believe how some have treated me over these past few months. I have learned and grown and come to realize that I do not want to be superficial like you. If I don't fit into your mold, who cares? I can tell you that I will never fit into your mold. That's just who I am.
The third thing I have to say is that Brock Hiestand (yup, that's his name) would've walked miles for me if I had asked him. That man loves me, still.
The fourth thing, I will forgive you for your ignorance, but will not forget that you haven't given two shits where he has been for the past month. It's forgiven, but not forgotten.
I'm done with my ranting and raving tonight (and maybe forever).
With that, I lay my head down to sleep, and pray the LORD my soul to keep.
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| I've been stealing lately. Not anything expensive, and certainly not on purpose. The first time was about a week and a half ago. I was at Marsh, picking up some things. I bought enough groceries to fill the cart. As I roll my cart out of Marsh and start unloading things, I find when I pick up my purse out of the "child's seat" part of the cart, a greeting card I failed to pay for. Did I go back inside and pay for it? No. I think the reason I didn't go back and pay for it was because Marsh screwed me out of some money awhile back... not a good reason, eh?!
The second time I "stole" was this evening. I was at Meijer, doing some shopping and went through the self check out lane, loaded my cart up and proceeded toward the door. I decided to ditch the cart and carry the bags myself. To my dismay as I picked up my purse, out of the "child's seat" area, I found a bag of freshly sliced turkey. I was so embarrassed and was sure the greeter lady saw... she didn't though. I looked around to see if I had been followed...no one. I walked out to my car and fought God the entire way there. "It's just some turkey. Seriously, God!" ... "Jenna, is it really worth it? Seriously, it's just some turkey, Jenna, and a little bit of your time."
...
I walked back inside, and waited in the damn customer service line to pay for my turkey.
Two things:
1. I've decided not to put my groceries where kids put there butts, anymore.
2. That better be damn good turkey!
...looks like I have a soul after all..
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| "Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin, kind of like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time, and I don't belong." -Haley James Scott
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| "I either get what I want, or I change my mind."
I've been getting really bad headaches. I'm not sure why. I usually get them at work. I'm wondering if it has something to do with stress at work or maybe it runs deeper. It's hard to decipher since I'm at work the majority of the day. I just don't want to feel sick anymore.
My boyfriend thinks my headaches stem from him. He thinks that I'm not happy with him. I tell him when people make me cry about him. Why do others think it's okay to cut him down in front of me? Do you think that it doesn't hurt? You all tell me that I'm settling for him. You all tell me that he is not good enough for me. You all tell me that I deserve better.
Do I love him? Maybe. I know that he makes me happy and that's something I haven't felt in awhile. What the hell is so wrong with that?
I'm not sure that I've ever been able to relate to my sister. At this point in my life I truly feel like I can relate. Phil is a bum. Shawn is not any better. Even through the words that cut she continued to "love" them.
You don't know Brock the way I know Brock. How I wish you did. I just wish you could see how funny he is and how much he makes me laugh. I wish you knew how hard he tries and how he too doesn't think he is good enough for me.
One day at a time? I wish it wasn't so challenging. As tears slide down my cheeks, I wonder why. Do I cry because it is confusing? Do I cry because I'm messed up? Do I cry because he is good enough and damn all of you for thinking he is not? I don't want to be angry, with any of you.
Any way I look at it, he is special.
Just wait. You'll see.
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| I wish my confusion would disappear. I try so hard to be a "good person" and make "good decisions." Where does it all lead to? Often, I feel like I'm wasting my energy.
I'm finding that I have more anger inside than I ever knew I had. It's slowly starting to come out.
Most days I'm just praying to feel Jesus' love. It feels so far away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvz0J0WBZPE
Tuesday can't come fast enough!
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